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feeling crappy [Jan. 24th, 2014|01:18 pm]
For the past few days I have felt indescribably crappy.  A mixture of really tired, achey, sad and just general malaise.  I don't know why.  I miss home a lot at the moment.  I'm finding it hard to get the motivation to do anything at all.
I think I'm just depressed or something but... I don't know.  I don't know what's wrong with me.
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again, again, again [Sep. 20th, 2013|03:28 pm]
I am watching House Hunters International and it's a young (mid-20's) US couple relocating from Boston to Cannes, France.  How in the fuck are they able to do this?  They're not being relocated by work... they both work online..
I don't understand.. and I want to.
link2 busy bees|nectar

mid month blues [Sep. 18th, 2013|08:50 pm]
I hate to blame it on my hormones because at this time of the month that seems so illogical and as if it's just an excuse for the clarity that I feel at this time during my cycle... but
it is my hormones.
Every month I go through a time where I am absurdly happy and content with my life.  Following this I am profoundly unhappy and dissatisfied with my life.  Every choice I made in the past is dissected and critiqued, followed by pointless daydreams about what I would do if I were able to go back and 'fix' things.
Even though I am able to set my thoughts apart during these daydreams and reason with myself... I still do it.
The answer would be, of course, to take the knowledge of what I would do to 'fix' the past and apply it to my life now.  But I am utterly impotent.  All I do is think about it and drive myself crazy with what-ifs.
I really have no idea how to help myself during these times.
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three months old! [Sep. 10th, 2012|03:42 pm]
Arthur is three months old on the sixteenth.  It's so hard to believe three months have gone by.  I'm starting to look into daycare options for going back to work for a little while each week.  My wage will pretty much just cover the daycare so really I'm paying for the priveliege of leaving the house but it will be nice to get out of babyland for a little while.  
He's eating pretty well, about every three hours at night and every 1-2 during the day.  He's smiling, laughing, cooing and gurgling at me and is generally a happy baby.  I feel very lucky.  Breast feeding has been easier than I ever imagined.  He just started rolling over from his back to his front today.  He had been able to do it while on the bed, but not on the floor until now. 
The recovery from the c-section was a breeze, too.  I am so thankful for that.  I guess this was just how things were supposed to go.
I do feel..tremendously guilty about the thought of going back to work and leaving Arthur with someone, or in a daycare center.
I wish there was family nearby to help take care of him..
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One week to go [Jun. 15th, 2012|10:41 am]
This time next week, no matter what, our baby will be here.  Well, he's here now, just living inside me...you know what I mean.
He's still stubbornly got his head wedged in my ribs.  He's trying to turn but can't quite get head down, I don't know why.  
Truth be told I am absolutely terrified of having a c-section.  I hate being out of control of what's happening but I think I'll be ok on the actual day.  For me, anticipation is often the worst thing.  I am scared of starting to panic during the actual procedure because of my claustrophobia (oh yay a curtain right in front of my face!)  
We finished the nursery.  I know it's not 'necessary' because he's not really going to be in there much until he's around 6months ish (probably) but its sooo important to me to have made all this effort to give him his own space.  I know he's not going to care, but I do.  I never had that, I never had anywhere to call my own, just a bed in my sister's room.  
We have washed all the small clothes and got nappies and stuff ready to go.  I'm planning on using coconut oil as a catch all for skin complaints and have some stuff from california baby for cleaning him... but he probably won't need a bath for a while?  I don't know!

I am still sporadically working, when I feel up to it.  This past week I haven't much as my hips have started to ache and I'm having intense braxton hicks contractions.  I plan on making an effort to go in on Monday though and make that my official last day so that Brian and I can have at least one day together to do something fun before the baby ruins everything.
I'm kidding but seriously, everyone loves to tell you how shitty your life is after you have kids.  
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37 weeks 5 days [Jun. 4th, 2012|03:45 pm]
I'm getting so uncomfortable, I'm wavering between 'be born now' and 'wait another couple of weeks'.  
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36 weeks, could be any day now! [May. 26th, 2012|10:18 am]
We are having another scan on Tuesday to see if baby boy is out of his breech position and if not then we need to start discussing ways to move him.  We could try a version which is when two Doctors push on your belly in different directions trying to get him to move into position.  It has to be done in a hospital as the pressure could make me go into labour.  Apparently it can be quite painful...sooo, not looking forward to that.  The only other option is a scheduled c-section.  I'm just worried about the recovery from a section.  
I'm still feeling pretty good overall.  Not too uncomfortable yet.  I think having a long torso really is helping.  I'm 5'7" and Brian is 5'11" but when we're sitting across from each other I'm the same height as him.  I just have short stubby legs :p   This is the only time in my life I am thankful about being so out of proportion!  heh.
This weekend we're planning on getting some of the little stuff, like nipple cream, pads, baby toiletries etc.  One of the girls at work was like 'oh you don't have to buy any of that!  I have so much left over!'  So I asked her if it was the J&J stuff and she said it was.  I didn't know how to say that I don't want it because of the chemical load (there's a study suggesting one of the preservatives in there could lead to childhood cancers).  Soooo..whatever she gives me I'll just donate.  
I know there's likely to be more chemicals in the air off-gassing from the paint and furniture in his room but he's probably not going to be in there too much in the beginning anyway which gives things a chance to off-gas a little bit.

It feels like I've been pregnant for a really long time, but then I also feel like it hasn't been that long and I'm not ready yet.  I go between  thinking 'this is too soon!' to 'hurry up already'.  I do kind of want him to be here already so I can stop worrying about how that's going to happen.  

Not long now. 
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baby shower [Mar. 19th, 2012|09:38 am]
The baby shower was on Saturday.  It was pretty cool.  I didn't really get very much useful stuff but I wasn't really expecting a lot.  We got loads of cute outfits though. I don't think I have to buy clothes at all for the first year sooo yay!  
Brian's sister Belinda drove from Austin to see us which was really nice.  I didn't know if she would be able to come so we hadn't said anything about inviting her.  She brought her youngest son, Nick, and it was nice to meet him although he has a bit of stranger anxiety and didn't really like to be held by anyone else.  He was also freaked out by my frequent nose blowing.  
Belinda brought 3 full trashbags of clothes for us!  It's going to be so helpful.  
The decorations were really cool.  
I feel like I've been fighting something since Friday though.  I thought perhaps it was just allergies but now i'm thinking some kind of cold/mild flu.  I feel veeeryyy tired and just kind of crappy.
Bleh. 
linkone busy bee|nectar

26 weeks tomorrow [Mar. 14th, 2012|06:53 pm]
I had another check up today with my OBGYN.  She's kinda scatterbrained but I like her.  I think if we have another kid in the US that I'll try to make a better selection of who I want to go with though.  I guess there's still a chance that the high risk OB who I loooved will deliver me but I'm not holding out hope.  
I have gained 22lbs so far which is normal but whoa... 
My boss Lisa made a faux pas the other day when we were taking out the trash, she looks me up and down and says 'yknow... I don't remember being that big around 6 months.'  oh, gee, thanks.  
Baby is still moving around a lot which is good.  I have another scan some time in the next couple of weeks and then on the 30th I have to go and do the gross glucose drink which I am NOT looking forward to. 
My mother in law is throwing us a baby shower this weekend.  I designed the invitations and I'm really pleased with the way they came out, I used two peter rabbit illustrations because that's the 'theme' I'm going with for his nursery.  Honestly, themes aren't my thing but my mother in law insisted so I thought if I had to have one, I'd have one I liked.
As far as getting the nursery ready all we have to do is replace the flooring and buy the furniture...soooo... still lots to do!  I know baby won't really care what he gets to sleep in once he's here but I want to have his room ready.  
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this little boy likes to jump [Feb. 1st, 2012|06:05 pm]
Baby A is a BOY!  
It was so funny when the tech went to check on the sexual organs (even if you don't want to know they still have to check them to make sure everything looks ok) she said, 'you wanted to know right?  Cause I can't hide that!'  Little boy was not shy at all!
It was so cool to see the development from 12 weeks to 19 weeks.  His little face is already so developed!  Just from the profile pictures I can tell he's going to look like Brian and Brian was a gorgeous baby.  That's good because I looked like a potato.  
We had a name picked out already but now that we know he's a boy..we're not sure.  I want to try to avoid name judgement though, we already told Ruth the name we were thinking of and she was all 'ohh..really?' sooo, that was a mistake.  Her opinion of the name isn't affecting the way I feel about it, I just don't want anyone else to judge.
The other thing he was doing during the ultrasound was jumping around a lot.  That's the 'popping' feeling I keep getting.  He was also laying with his feet up by his head, he flipped over a couple of times and is generally very acrobatic.  The past few days since the ultrasound I've noticed that he seems to nap.  He'll be really active for 5 minutes then chill out for half an hour, then he'll start to jump around again until he gets tired and then he gets quiet again.  He has longer periods of activity too.  
Today I think I felt some sort of body part of his from the outside which was super weird.  I just happened to reach down to my belly and there was this weird lumpy area which moved to the side a bit before subsiding.  
I haven't been feeling sick as often, which is good.  Some days I still feel nauseous for hours in the morning.  This morning was a tough one.  I had this constant burpy feeling at the back of my throat that just wouldn't go away.
For some reason, tuna sandwiches from subway help me feel better when I feel crappy so I had one for lunch today and felt better immediately afterwards.  I don't eat more than 2 a week though because of the mercury.
Work is going ok, I'm trying to be optimistic about everything.  
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