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circle my mistakes

[ website | sophiebyrne.com ]
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An end to the American experiment [Mar. 21st, 2017|01:44 pm]
circle my mistakes
It was never really clear whether or not I would stay there forever and as time marched on I began to feel sad, deep inside me.  The desert was good for me for a while but I'm back in England now.  When i think back on the last 6 months I honestly struggle to believe that we pulled it off.  We sold our house, packed up all we could carry - donated or sold everything else and flew here to start a new life.  What's so odd to me and is creating this odd emotional tummult is the effortless feeling that this is my life now.  I feel like maybe I should be happier every day, but I'm not.. then I get annoyed with myself for not being happier.  For what it's worth, I am happy.. just not all the time.

I've been living here for 6 weeks now, I think that was just about how long I spent in the UK the last time I visited in 2015.  So after this week I will have been here for the longest amount of time since 2007.

Oddly enough, I looked back in the archive to read the 2007 entry closest to this date and it was about my eagerness to move to the USA.  I don't regret it one bit, I grew enormously.  It was just time to come back home.

Of course, you can never please the masses.  When living in the USA "You're from England, why did you come here?", when living in the UK "You were living in America, why did you come back here?"

Why, for healthcare that's free at the point of use.. for however long it remains so.

(no subject) [Sep. 12th, 2016|10:59 pm]
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I wonder if I'll ever get used to the immediate now
rather than rewriting my past
mama, mama, it's been so long
and i've been so lost, that I don't know what to do
remember how in autumn
   in places where it gets cool
your skin puckers and shivers
when the night breeze whispers in your ear
I feel like routine and schedule does this thing where it sucks away your whole life until all that's left is sitting in front of the tv watching imaginary people do things that you wish you could do, but you can't and probably never will do.
link3 busy bees|nectar

baby incoming! [May. 16th, 2014|11:45 am]
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Sitting here in the hospital waiting.  Water broke at 7AM this morning.  Unfortunately my son has been sick and still has a fever (he has a chesty cough).  I caught the cough but don't have a fever.  Just means he won't be able to meet his sister right away.
Wish me luck you guys!  

feeling crappy [Jan. 24th, 2014|01:18 pm]
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For the past few days I have felt indescribably crappy.  A mixture of really tired, achey, sad and just general malaise.  I don't know why.  I miss home a lot at the moment.  I'm finding it hard to get the motivation to do anything at all.
I think I'm just depressed or something but... I don't know.  I don't know what's wrong with me.

again, again, again [Sep. 20th, 2013|03:28 pm]
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I am watching House Hunters International and it's a young (mid-20's) US couple relocating from Boston to Cannes, France.  How in the fuck are they able to do this?  They're not being relocated by work... they both work online..
I don't understand.. and I want to.
link2 busy bees|nectar

mid month blues [Sep. 18th, 2013|08:50 pm]
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I hate to blame it on my hormones because at this time of the month that seems so illogical and as if it's just an excuse for the clarity that I feel at this time during my cycle... but
it is my hormones.
Every month I go through a time where I am absurdly happy and content with my life.  Following this I am profoundly unhappy and dissatisfied with my life.  Every choice I made in the past is dissected and critiqued, followed by pointless daydreams about what I would do if I were able to go back and 'fix' things.
Even though I am able to set my thoughts apart during these daydreams and reason with myself... I still do it.
The answer would be, of course, to take the knowledge of what I would do to 'fix' the past and apply it to my life now.  But I am utterly impotent.  All I do is think about it and drive myself crazy with what-ifs.
I really have no idea how to help myself during these times.

three months old! [Sep. 10th, 2012|03:42 pm]
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Arthur is three months old on the sixteenth.  It's so hard to believe three months have gone by.  I'm starting to look into daycare options for going back to work for a little while each week.  My wage will pretty much just cover the daycare so really I'm paying for the priveliege of leaving the house but it will be nice to get out of babyland for a little while.  
He's eating pretty well, about every three hours at night and every 1-2 during the day.  He's smiling, laughing, cooing and gurgling at me and is generally a happy baby.  I feel very lucky.  Breast feeding has been easier than I ever imagined.  He just started rolling over from his back to his front today.  He had been able to do it while on the bed, but not on the floor until now. 
The recovery from the c-section was a breeze, too.  I am so thankful for that.  I guess this was just how things were supposed to go.
I do feel..tremendously guilty about the thought of going back to work and leaving Arthur with someone, or in a daycare center.
I wish there was family nearby to help take care of him..

One week to go [Jun. 15th, 2012|10:41 am]
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This time next week, no matter what, our baby will be here.  Well, he's here now, just living inside me...you know what I mean.
He's still stubbornly got his head wedged in my ribs.  He's trying to turn but can't quite get head down, I don't know why.  
Truth be told I am absolutely terrified of having a c-section.  I hate being out of control of what's happening but I think I'll be ok on the actual day.  For me, anticipation is often the worst thing.  I am scared of starting to panic during the actual procedure because of my claustrophobia (oh yay a curtain right in front of my face!)  
We finished the nursery.  I know it's not 'necessary' because he's not really going to be in there much until he's around 6months ish (probably) but its sooo important to me to have made all this effort to give him his own space.  I know he's not going to care, but I do.  I never had that, I never had anywhere to call my own, just a bed in my sister's room.  
We have washed all the small clothes and got nappies and stuff ready to go.  I'm planning on using coconut oil as a catch all for skin complaints and have some stuff from california baby for cleaning him... but he probably won't need a bath for a while?  I don't know!

I am still sporadically working, when I feel up to it.  This past week I haven't much as my hips have started to ache and I'm having intense braxton hicks contractions.  I plan on making an effort to go in on Monday though and make that my official last day so that Brian and I can have at least one day together to do something fun before the baby ruins everything.
I'm kidding but seriously, everyone loves to tell you how shitty your life is after you have kids.  

37 weeks 5 days [Jun. 4th, 2012|03:45 pm]
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I'm getting so uncomfortable, I'm wavering between 'be born now' and 'wait another couple of weeks'.  

36 weeks, could be any day now! [May. 26th, 2012|10:18 am]
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We are having another scan on Tuesday to see if baby boy is out of his breech position and if not then we need to start discussing ways to move him.  We could try a version which is when two Doctors push on your belly in different directions trying to get him to move into position.  It has to be done in a hospital as the pressure could make me go into labour.  Apparently it can be quite painful...sooo, not looking forward to that.  The only other option is a scheduled c-section.  I'm just worried about the recovery from a section.  
I'm still feeling pretty good overall.  Not too uncomfortable yet.  I think having a long torso really is helping.  I'm 5'7" and Brian is 5'11" but when we're sitting across from each other I'm the same height as him.  I just have short stubby legs :p   This is the only time in my life I am thankful about being so out of proportion!  heh.
This weekend we're planning on getting some of the little stuff, like nipple cream, pads, baby toiletries etc.  One of the girls at work was like 'oh you don't have to buy any of that!  I have so much left over!'  So I asked her if it was the J&J stuff and she said it was.  I didn't know how to say that I don't want it because of the chemical load (there's a study suggesting one of the preservatives in there could lead to childhood cancers).  Soooo..whatever she gives me I'll just donate.  
I know there's likely to be more chemicals in the air off-gassing from the paint and furniture in his room but he's probably not going to be in there too much in the beginning anyway which gives things a chance to off-gas a little bit.

It feels like I've been pregnant for a really long time, but then I also feel like it hasn't been that long and I'm not ready yet.  I go between  thinking 'this is too soon!' to 'hurry up already'.  I do kind of want him to be here already so I can stop worrying about how that's going to happen.  

Not long now. 

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